1) Do you have areas of your life where you find it difficult to express yourself using Nonviolent Communication (Compassionate Communication)?

2) Do you have a deep longing to use Nonviolent Communication to assist you on your spiritual path or deep personal growth efforts?

3) Do you often find yourself diagnosing yourself, being critical, or trying to figure out "why" instead of connecting with yourself empathetically?

4) Are you finding yourself experiencing the same need(s) being unfulfilled over and over again in your life?

5) Do you empathize with others easily, but become confused when trying to use Nonviolent Communication internally?

6) Do you find yourself feeling disappointed and discouraged when making self-requests because you don't follow through with them?

7) Do you have a deep yearning to have more ease and flow with your Nonviolent Communication skills?

8) Do you find yourself having strong attachments to having certain needs/wants/values met by others?

 

Even the most experienced NVC practitioner will answer yes to some of these questions. That's okay, because the yes's give us information about where we can focus our attention to grow. Let's explore each of these questions further to understand how we can use this work to connect more deeply with ourselves.

Do you have areas of your life where you find it difficult to express yourself using Nonviolent Communication (Compassionate Communication)?

It's frustrating, isn't it. You know the model, but can't use it in certain situations where you are intensely triggered. On top of that, I'm guessing you might subsequently feel embarrassed or ashamed because you really want to be able to rely on your Nonviolent Communication skills. The Inner Empathy work was designed to gently reveal and connect with the pain associated with the core needs these intense triggers represent. Imagine the relief you would feel when you are able to respond without the triggered reaction and you can achieve the connection and resolution you want in those challenging situations.

You might also experience an increased sense of peace and ease because you were able to access your Nonviolent Communication skills when you needed them! Even if you are not able to access your Nonviolent Communication skills readily, the Inner Empathy work will inspire you to have patience, understanding and compassion for your high-trigger situations. At the very least, we can be present to this extra layer of shame and hold it in compassion.

Do you have a deep longing to use Nonviolent Communication to assist
you on your spiritual path or deep personal growth efforts?

Maybe you value and hold the intention to live in the here-and-now and you've been working diligently for years to establish "being in the present". If you're like many seekers, you have experienced the frustration and disappointment of losing connection with what is presently alive in you. Maybe you became identified with a remembrance of the past that superimposed itself onto your present-time experience. Or, maybe you became identified with a hopeful projection of a better time, a more favorable emotional state you might experience in the future, and this is what consumed your present-time experience.

Inner Empathy uses Nonviolent Communication to work in the present to inspire you to dis-identify with these past/future aspects of yourself as they present themselves and to return to presence. A deep sense of well-being organically emerges. Feelings of deep contentment, of being home, are present. You'll learn to be in your body and begin to have a love affair with your present-time experience. You'll learn to move in the flow of effortless being.

Do you often find yourself diagnosing yourself, being critical, or trying to figure
out "why" instead of connecting with yourself empathetically?

You want to empathize with yourself like you do with other people, but find you can't do it or have difficulty staying with it. It's confusing and disappointing to say the least. A crucial aspect of the Inner Empathy work is identifying and knowing when you have an empathetic connection with yourself and when you do not. If you begin an inquiry without an empathetic connection, it is doomed from the start.

You'll learn to start with and maintain an empathetic connection as you encounter many challenges in your inner world. This will make your inquiries more useful. You'll be amazed at how deeply and efficiently you can connect with deeper aspects of yourself never before possible. You'll experience the power of holding compassionate presence for whatever emerges from the depth of your being.

Are you finding yourself experiencing the same need(s) being
unfulfilled over and over again in your life?

It is absolutely disheartening to connect with a feeling and need, and make a request, only to find that the need remains in the unfulfilled category. It can be easy for you to slide into feeling hopeless or discouraged because you cannot get this particular need met. You may ultimately abandon attempting to fulfill the need as a way to protect yourself from the pain of it continuing to be unfulfilled. In other words, you stop asking for the need to be met in order to meet your greater need for safety.

The Inner Empathy work will help you unpack these layered feelings and needs and uncover the compelling reasons these needs are chronically not met. You'll experience a deep relief in finally being able to meet these important needs that have elude you for so long and enjoy the fulfillment of those needs.

Do you empathize with others easily, but become confused when
trying to use Nonviolent Communication internally?

Maybe two or three different feelings/needs come up all at once around an issue and you fall into feeling overwhelmed. You shut down the process to get a sense of safety. Or, maybe you feel helpless or hopeless with multiple feelings/needs and don't know how to proceed with the self-empathy. Even worse are the stuck feelings that emerge when two aspects of yourself are at odds with each other and begin to argue. How do you hold compassion when you are bouncing back and forth between two aspects of yourself that are vehemently arguing? What about three aspects of yourself?

The Inner Empathy work will help you identify and tease apart these different arguing aspects as they emerge in your experience. You'll feel confident, know when you are in a loop and will be able to cut right through the tail-chasing energy with compassion and understanding. You'll enjoy a new level of effectiveness in mediating internal arguments and be inspired to do life-transforming work.

Do you find yourself feeling disappointed and discouraged when making
self-requests because you don't follow through with them?

I would guess you want consistency and congruency with what you request of yourself and what you do to fulfill the request. Do you want to trust that you will take action to meet the needs that your self-requests were addressing? This is a source of tension for many people who begin to make self-requests.

With the Inner Empathy work, you'll discover that you are being congruent and consistent when not following though, because there is another need that is outside of conscious awareness that is in conflict with your conscious need and self-request. A huge sense of relief and comfort is stimulated when you learn to bring the unconscious need into conscious awareness and actively make a choice. Tending to the unconscious needs holding you back from fulfilling a conscious need allows your self-request to be effortlessly fulfilled.

Do you have a deep yearning to have more ease and flow with
your Nonviolent Communication skills?

This is a common experience that occurs when learning Nonviolent Communication: You spend money and time learning Nonviolent Communication skills. You get a taste of the benefits of "need-based" connections with yourself and others. You feel excited and want more! Then, you get frustrated when it doesn't come easily.

It is often a rude awakening for people to realize that internalizing Nonviolent Communication skills is more difficult than they thought. They come to realize that learning Nonviolent Communication is not a function of the intellect, but is emotional learning and a change of consciousness. This is why the Inner Empathy work emphasizes learning to abide in the Nonviolent Communication consciousness and the inside/out approach.

You'll experience more ease and fluidity with the mechanical Nonviolent Communication skills because they will emanate from the Nonviolent Communication consciousness. Cultivating the Nonviolent Communication consciousness creates the conditions for the skills to flourish and to effortlessly roll off your tongue. You'll be amazed at how internalized your skills become with this inside/out approach.

Do you find yourself having strong attachments to having certain
needs/wants/values met by others?

You notice you have a need/want/value that contains a lot of "have-to" energy when expressing it to a loved one. The loved one can't fulfill it and you feel hurt and want to blame the loved one. This could be one of those needs that you are asking to be fulfilled but you are unable or, unwilling to fulfill for yourself. For example, if you are asking another to meet your need for acceptance when you are unable or unwilling to meet your need for self-acceptance, you are holding out a begging bowl desperately expecting the other to fill it. Expressing your needs from such a space of inner lack puts pressure on your requests.

The Inner Empathy work will help you identify and connect with how you can partially or fully fulfill your own needs, want, and values. The desperation gives way to the calm and centeredness of having the loved one join and support your self-care efforts. You will learn to make requests from a space of inner abundance, equanimity, and balance.

To find out more about Inner empathy work read the first chapter of the Inner Empathy book or visit one-to-one session page to learn more about private work.